The weekends are my worst days now. I can barely go through the weekends without wishing for Monday morning to come by. The weekends are when everything slows to a stop, when the madness and craziness of this city trickles to a halt. After the moments of being swamped with work, stuck in traffic and having to wake up to hop into molue buses, everything slows down during the weekends.
I woke up with a start today when my alarm rang like it does every other morning. I was about to go prepare for work, until it clicked that today was a Saturday. It’s funny what this city does to you. Does to your mind, you know. This city is always in a hurry to be somewhere, get somewhere, there’s no taking breaks or gulps of fresh breath. And it does the same thing to your mind, makes it go too fast or become entangled like old wires.
I’m always running from something during the weekend, I always try to find somewhere to go, hang out, somewhere to see to avoid the void. I played some old songs today, I let a tear tickle down, then I realized the void was still there open and sore like a fresh wound, no matter how much I tried to fill it up with work, people, conversations, places and trap music.
And nothing can fill this void, I do not want it to be filled. No amount of closures can make up for the need to still want this someone who I can tell how my day really went.
“I called you today, the voice at the other side said switched off, my heart skipped. I called again, same thing then the void exploded”.
“Has something ever hit you so hard, off balance that you couldn’t take it, didn’t know how to take it? I don’t want to be that girl who is emotionally distant, who can’t fix her relationship with people, who is tired of getting to know people, who is scared to be an open book, who is hardly ever excited about absolutely nothing”.
“I want to live deliberately”.
“I want to scream fuck you man, until I lose my voice, until you finally get it”.
“I want a hug. Just a hug”.
I’m currently looking for how to spend my weekend, where to escape to, far away from this void. I will still live, won’t I?